As everyone knows, AJ has always been a difficult child. Was it my fault for taking Xanax during pregnancy (under doctor supervision?) Could have I done a better job of keeping life stable and provide him a loving environment that he felt safe and secure in?
The thing is, I thought I did those things, and now my son is 16 and unwell.
We have only just now been able to afford a psychologist to treat him, but we had to see a Family Medicine doctor at the clinic before being allowed to see a psychiatrist. We can only make that appointment today, so I hope so much that they’ll be able to meet with him soon. It’s just been way too long of a wait for a psychiatrist. We’ve been going through this hell for 10 years as ADHD/ODD, and the last 5 have been building up to BPD, and now it’s full-out Borderline Personality Disorder. The general anxiety is still there, but maybe that’s just another part of it.
There’s so much I don’t know.
One thing that I do know is that I’m fucking tired.
When your son plots hours, or even the day prior, on how to mess with your sleep so that he’ll have his “Favorite Person” (FP) all to himself it can only be exhausting. I have nothing left to give, and yet somehow I keep walking upright. I’m just so tired and cannot remember what rested and peaceful felt like. It’s been a warzone for every waking moment of the past five years, and nobody goes through that unscathed.
Even our dogs hide now. Well, when AJ and his dad “get into it.” Argue. There’s so much arguing for a man who doesn’t like confrontation, and that’s another thing! Why does AJ engage his dad and make him BE confrontational when he knows damn well it gives his dad an anxiety attack???
We’re all facing another hard day tomorrow. We’re withdrawing him from high school, and trust me, it is against his will and he has been extremely angry with us. But, you have to realize that he has set his own hours! School is supposed to be from 7:55am until 2:25pm, but he’d always used to wake his dad up at 7am so that he could go to the school as soon as they unlocked the door (nearly an hour early.)
AJ only goes to school when he wants to now. He’s down to attending only 2 classes, if he decides to go to school at all. He could walk to and from school – he really could! It’s rather safe with wide sidewalks and bike paths and crosswalks, but he refuses to do that; someone MUST take him in the mornings. He’ll walk home, but he doesn’t like it. He also knows that if he tried to make ME wake up and drive 3 minutes to get him I’d FREAK OUT on him. As for leaving school, we get a phone call any day that he does attend about 2 hours after he’s gone in and he’ll be in the counselors office crying that he was bullied and that everyone hates him, including the teachers.
By that point he has attended lunch, and “Introduction to Agriculture” and is finished, wanting to come home, but 100% because he will no longer get an opportunity to be in the vicinity of his crush.
Actually, that brings me to another point: I think Dave’s being manipulated by AJ with the guilt that he carries over how little time he had with his own father, and how little time he has now for family. He’s working 60 hours a week and also getting his MBA, so he’s really very busy and really very tired, at all times…and above all else, a good man who doesn’t deserve to lose over an hours’ worth of sleep just so AJ doesn’t have to walk for 7 minutes!
Did I mention that I was tired? I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, honestly, and I feel guilty for even doing this knowing that I WILL be publishing it. I realize it’s broken up and poorly written, but dude, I’m busted down. If I had a wagon wheel like me I’d be staking a claim on this land.
I’ve recorded horrible, raging fights that aren’t actually fights at all, just screaming rebuttals to logical questions we ask, and then holy fuck the fake crying.
Fake Crying Can Go Fuck Itself
Oh my God I hate that. It rustles me to the core, buzzes the marrow in my bones and I have to use all of the energy I have to not go ballistic, and just keep trying to have a gentle look on my face.
What I don’t understand is that when I point it out, that he’s fake crying/bawling, he’ll literally stop mid sob and tell me in a perfectly normal voice that he’s NOT ‘fake crying’ at all. How is he not hearing what I’m hearing? Like I said I’ve recorded it, but nobody ever has asked to listen to a sample. I guess I’ll always have all these damn audio and video recordings of “the good times” we had raising our son.
You know, I do have 2 older sons. “Round 1 Babies” I guess? I was married before to a man that I truly, deeply, madly loved, but he didn’t grow up and I did, but I got two amazing boys out of the deal so I pretty much won all around. My oldest son, Brandon, was a bit like AJ, but nowhere as intense. And now that he’s 30 he’s just antisocial and has GAD, but he outbursts have pretty much completely subsided and it wouldn’t be a wretched experience to have him come visit for a few days (or weeks!!) I can finally see that little boy that I knew before his ADHD took over and whatever traits of BPD he displayed started popping up. It’s wonderful.
Not having had to go through it at all would have been even more wonderful, actually.
My middle son is a Student Nurse, and his name is Bryan, and he’s got 4 more years of school to go, but plans to live with us only for the next 2. That’s inconvenient because we’re renters, the landlord raised our rent when our 2 year lease was up (we’d been here 5 years) to over $2000/mo and $1700 was hard enough. Harder than hard, and now it’s impossible. Like, today is 9 days from pay of any kind and we have no money and we didn’t do anything but pay rent and buy staples like milk and bread.
We wanted so badly to find a house nearer to Bryan’s college, since AJ doesn’t take school seriously anyway, and maybe pay less a month by buying it, but then AJ used up our entire savings with the suicide attempt, which is of course fine and I don’t behoove him that, I just cannot tolerate the thought of staying in THIS particular house for another 2 to 3 years.
Well, since everything is hard and I’m – again, tired – I just want to say that I dream that someday there will be an easy to find website for parents going through this type of thing with their children and teenagers. Until that time, if you want, please feel free to say hello.
Thank you for reading this.