Posted in General Panic

I got on the boat.

We were in the car, and I haven’t panicked in the car on the ferry in forever – but tonight I did, really badly.  Like level 10, throwing up, shaking, felt like I was going to die – that kind of panic.  It’s about 2 hours since it started and I am home, and I am trying to come down off of the panic by refocusing.  And by waiting for the 2.5mg of xanax in my system to do it’s job.  I am tired – but my stomach hurts.

Bryan was taken to the hospital in an ambulance on Sunday with extreme abdominal pain, throwing up…God it was awful.  They gave him morphine and an antiematic (I think it’s called – the nausea medicine.)  They did let him out when the pain reseaded to a level 5.

I stayed home with him yesterday.  I slept for a long time, like 9 hours.  Last night I slept less than 4 hours.  I am exhausted though.  I went in to work today and was a total zombie.  Some new guy is doing my old job, and so all I basically did was order food for the birthday party thing on Thursday, make a how-to tip-sheet, and tried to stay upright.

At 4:45 I got a call from AJ’s daycare that he said his stomach hurt, and he had thrown up and was pale.  We immediately left to get him.  I was exhausted in the car.  AJ kept throwing up.  We got in line for the 6:20 ferry and I was okay, but I don’t know what happened to trigger a panic attack like this.  Nevertheless it happened, and so I told Dave not to drive the car on to the ferry.  He pulled over and let traffic pass by.  When they were just about done loading the boat I said “Get on the boat.”  I felt like it was the same thing as walking on the ferry – if I didn’t get on it, the next time would be harder.  So, I got on the ferry (we were the last car on) and immediately started panicking extremely bad.  I started to run up to the second mate’s office but was afraid of the two flights of stairs, so I just sat on the bottom step and dry-heaved.

At this point AJ has to throw up again – so Dave doesn’t know what to do.  He wants me to go to the second mate’s office, but I am terrified to move.  I gauge the old guy sitting in the closest car to see if he looks like a doctor, but he doesn’t.  I start walking, and Dave doesn’t know what to do – and AJ still has to throw up … so I saw a ferry worker and told him I didn’t feel good – I told him I was sea-sick and nervous.  He said I could go up to the second mate’s office, but I didn’t want to.  At that point Dave left to take AJ upstairs – and the ferry guy took me to the other side of the boat so I could sit in a chair in the wind – which actually felt nice.  I faked my way through the panic and hid it pretty well, not that I really cared, but it seems to make people very uncomfortable.  They can handle seasick, but not panic attack.  The guy got me the chair I mentioned and so I just sat there until Dave came back.

It took forever to get across the water, I swear.  I had level 10 surges of panic five times.  I called Travis to no avail.  (3 times.)  Being the last car on the ferry meant that we were the last off – and God, poor Dave – he tried so hard to help, but there’s nothing he could have done.  😦

So because I’m panicking as I’m getting off the boat (another huge surge of panic) I thought – ‘should I go to the Fire Department?  Should Dave call 911?  Should….and then another huge surge on top of the already huge surge came.  Negative thoughts were not helping at all.

So I got home and got right on the computer to try and refocus, which didn’t work until about an hour had passed.  I’m still anxious – like a 4 or 5, but not panicking.  Dave just left to go to the store, but I can’t think negative thoughts – that wouldn’t be helpful.  (As proven earlier.)

I need to sleep.

I probably have a stomach flu or something.  Dave feels sick, too.   Fuck.

Just begging the Universe that the panic doesn’t come back…but at this point I’m still afraid to take my shoes off or get out of my chair.  😦