Archive for December, 2016

For J.Z.

Posted on December 15, 2016. Filed under: And This is Why |

I’m truly sorry that I’ve been the cause of your needing to expend so much energy and going outside of your comfort zone as you are usually very quiet, despite constantly posting on Jenny’s blog, and I also appreciate your replaying the whole of my unfortunate story there on her blog amidst the Christmas cheer rather than putting your reply to me here on my blog where it would have been seen by, basically, me alone.

I’m sure it wasn’t your intention at all to let people know how much of a monster I am, but you did a great job.

Good for you.

You have no idea what my life is like, has been like, or what the future looks like for me.  I am not a scammer.  You saw the list – all but a few things were very, very inexpensive (right around $10.)  Do you honestly think I’m going to resell those jeans? Or the snow boots?  Well, I’ll be sure to pay my fucking rent with the money I raked in on this scam!  WOOT!

You go with your bad self.

Let me know, via MY BLOG (how about we keep it off of Jenny’s blog? Just a random thought…), what you bought for AJ because I don’t want to cause you more suffering by having to live with knowing that you were violently ripped off by some stranger on the internet who lives solely to spend a 3 days in December exploiting hundreds of people out of their hard earned money.

Fuck it.  You know what?  I’m done trying to explain to you and everyone else how fucked things are in my life, and in my head – me going on trying to justify my actions just so I could experience something happy.  This is why I don’t ask for help.  Trust me, I fucking won’t ever again.

Oh, but PS – I deleted a lot of what I had in a prior post about AJ’s experiences, but I thought I’d add a picture here.  Just for YOU!!!!  Merry Christmas.


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I Am Grateful.

Posted on December 15, 2016. Filed under: Uncategorized |


  • my husband.

  • my children.

  • my cat.

  • my dog.

  • the angels.

  • my life.


Dressed up.  Going nowhere.  But grateful.

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If They Only Knew

Posted on December 15, 2016. Filed under: Life |

I think I was judged poorly because I did something that seemed shady, but wasn’t.

I asked for help getting AJ, who is 13 years old, gifts for Christmas through Jenny Lawson’s (The Bloggess) blog, because there was no way Dave and I were going to be able to get him more than dollar store colored pencils and some printer paper from Dave’s work for Christmas.  I mean, seriously, things are so bad that I’m asking for help getting to the food bank once a week (where you’re allowed to get as much sweet cakes/donuts and bagels and bread as you want, but only 1 can of tuna and a 10 ounce jar of peanut butter to last the week.)

Dave eats Ramen at work at his desk almost every day, and AJ eats a LOT of Ramen at home.  He’s 13.  He eats a lot.  Especially since he has to take his medication at 5:30am and it wears off at 3pm – and during those hours he has zero appetite, so he’s super tall and skinny, but if you saw him scarfing down Ramen at 4pm when he gets home from school you’d think he’d be massive and probably have Type 2 Diabetes like me.  (Again, NOT MY FAULT!!!! – it’s the damn medication, I swear to God.)

Things are so fucked it’s not even funny.  We paid our rent late for December.  The landlord was kind enough to not charge us the $50/day penalty, which was a miracle, but I think it’s because with having lost his wife so young, so suddenly, recently that he’s simply just not functioning at this point.  So it helped, but hurt at the same time, I guess?  Also funny is that our car is sitting IN OUR DRIVEWAY out of gas.  If there’s money left over when Dave gets paid on Friday he’ll literally have to walk to the gas station with the lawn mower gas can and buy 3 gallons of gas, then haul it all the way back.

So this Christmas Miracle…my list was really big and after I posted it I added more to it.  I got so excited about AJ actually having ANYTHING under the tree, and suddenly he had PAINT, just like that!  Yes, I did add things to that list afterwards and I didn’t feel bad at the time; I felt excited at the prospect of this amazing kid actually seeing presents under the tree for him!

Then it got worse.  I actually have 3 children, but two of them are in their mid-20s and live on the east coast because we couldn’t afford to have them live with us any longer, so they moved closer to their dad and his family (my family doesn’t “bother” with them, or us.)  I love and miss those boys so much that it honestly feels like part of my actual soul is gone.  I mean, after they moved away I couldn’t function for the first 2 years – I was useless.  I stopped cooking dinner.  I couldn’t sit at the dining room table without all 3 kids there because it was just too painful.  I had failed them because I couldn’t work so I couldn’t make any money so it was my fault that they had to leave.  Fuck no, I didn’t want to sit at the dining room table and look at those 2 empty chairs!!

I thought I could just save time and save people from having to read another huge sob story if I just added gifts for all 3 boys into one wishlist, so it got bigger; I reposted the link after making some comment about something, I forget, and people were suddenly buying gifts for Brandon, Bryan AND AJ!  I was so stoked that I panicked and had to take extra xanax!

Yeah, so that was probably looking pretty shady, and I realized that after thinking about it, so I went in and deleted things that people had already bought off of my wishlist so they wouldn’t think I was a greedy monster.  But, was I a greedy monster?  I probably am, so I’ll probably have to work on that.  I wish I could still see Travis, or Dr. Hoiness even, to talk with them about this.

I guess people started tracking wishlists, which I didn’t realize was even a thing, but not before I thought – hey, I don’t know exactly what to get Dave for Christmas, so I’ll add a pair of sneakers and some snack foods on there!  I mean, I’m diabetic first of all, and we can’t go grocery shopping let alone “snack food shopping”, so they never get that kind of stuff.  Yeah, so I reposted the link to my wishlist again.  I’m not sure if I got flagged or what happened, but apparently something happened and a bunch of people in the blog comments were legitimately asking for tons and tons of things, making fake accounts with lists for kids that didn’t exist – that kind of thing, and I think I might have gotten lumped in with them.  I’m actually afraid to read through the comments, to be honest.

So yeah, I made a dick move by not asking for fewer things for each separate kid up-front, but you aren’t supposed to ask for help with adult children.  And certainly not for your husband.

And I’ll be honest.  In the end I was gifted boots that Brandon and Bryan can wear to work since I know they’re still wearing sneakers in all of the snow out there.  I was gifted boots so that AJ wouldn’t get his sneakers destroyed right away (because someone gifted him sneakers, too.)  Jeans for all of the kids, and a hoodie for each of them, too.  I chose the least expensive, but not shitty, items I could find to put on the list for the kids, and yes, people bought them.  And on top of that?  AJ now has art supplies to last all year.

I don’t want to feel bad because that’s better than cheap-ass Dollar Store colored pencils and a pack of printer paper.  But now I do feel bad.

I wrote a lot about how AJ takes care of me when it should be ME taking care of him.  He has a lot on his shoulders for a 13 year old kid (who has a birthday coming up in a few weeks, so half of the gifts will be put away for then.)


And through all of that he “stopped, dropped, and rolled” any time I had a panic attack and “needed him.”  He’s the one that would haul ass and get me a xanax when I was curled up beside my bed unable to get up and walk across the house to get one.  He has sat with me until I fell asleep so many times.  He’s been so kind and generous, and I am so incredibly grateful that I have gotten a lot better this past year and not needed to put him in that horrible position much.  Maybe this coming year it won’t need to ever happen, or ever happen again so that he can just fucking focus on being a kid.

I don’t have the balls to post this on Jenny’s site because there are really mean people in the comment section and I can’t deal with that or I’ll have a panic attack and die, but whatever level of horrible I am I think I’m going to have to choose to be okay with it because for the first time in years – yes, through the help of complete strangers – I will be able to share presents with ALL THREE of my children.

It’s crazy.  AJ is better now, but Brandon is completely agoraphobic and living with his schizophrenic Mother-in-Law, taking care of her in exchange for room and board.  Bryan is in and out of college unable to commit to any career path, and he’s drinking – I think too much.  They both don’t want to be where they are and I can’t fix that.  I miss them so much it hurts, and it’s Christmastime, and I am not making fudge for them, I am not making cookies for them.  I am not making Christmas dinner for them.  Literally – I’m not doing anything.  I haven’t since they left.  AJ has paid the price, and that’s on me.  As soon as I can get a doctor to accept my fucking horrible insurance, I will be getting help again, but until then I know me – I will continue to sleep as much as humanly possible to avoid everything that hurts.

I plan on thanking everyone who helped us, but they cannot possibly know how much it means because there aren’t words to express it.  We have our Christmas tree up this year – that’s a pretty big accomplishment, even though it was AJ who put it together and decorated it (and it looks beautiful.)  Having a Christmas will be healing for all of us, and I do plan on pushing myself as HARD as I possibly can to do the traditions.  The cinnamon rolls and the hot chocolate, then the presents, then a bigger “real” breakfast.  If I can pull that off it will be more than I have done in maybe 2 years total.

I’m going to try to put a picture of AJ in here from a more recent time to show the difference that a little over a year can make.  If you can see it – this is the kid that Christmas was saved for.  And I cannot continue to beat myself up about how it happened, but I will because that’s who I am.

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Posted on December 1, 2016. Filed under: Uncategorized |

I’ve been sleeping constantly. If I’m actually awake and out of my room for 4 hours a day it’s a good day.  I need this to pass because I feel like shit and I really need a shower.

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