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I am afraid of becoming afraid of my heart again.

I have had a really bad bout of anxiety these past 8 weeks.  I would mark the time as “when we first moved in to our new house.” – but I don’t think that’s the cause of the anxiety.  I’m just not certain what it is.

Not being able to see Dr. L. or Dr. O. in Seattle has been challenging.  I’ve had to see Dr. Holder who is a major asshole, and so after four visits I just stopped going to him.  He took me off of Lexapro in 4 days and it was HELL.  I did NOT do well at all with that.  Then we moved.  I saw him one more time after that, but then switched to a new doctor, Dr. R, and he seems to be okay, just old.  He won’t prescribe 5mg of xanax at a time and that fucks my insurance company up.  Like last night they wouldn’t fill the prescription because it hadn’t been a month – which it has to be for insurance purposes unless you pay cash – and so they fucking give me 30 tablets.  The prescription literally said 100 tablets, but they gave me thirty.  Stressful much?

Dr. R has been pushing beta blockers on me and I have been in a hellacious uproar ever since.  My anxiety has been through the goddamn roof and I’m just exhausted from it.  To make matters worse I’m not even sleeping well.  I’m having a lot of bad dreams, too.

Anyway, so yeah – a lot of things have happend in the past 8 weeks.  Bryan moved to Pennsylvania for a year or more, our car got repossessed, money’s been tight, doctors have been assholes…just stupid stuff like that.

I have not been able to get off of this island further than the Masi shop in months.  I would say it’s been six weeks since I could get to Poulsbo, and 3 months since I got as far as Port Townsend.  That was a very unique day, and I wish I could have more of that.  I cannot remember the last time I was in Silverdale, and I desperately want to go there.

We have a new budget that allows us to go out to dinner once a week, but there’s no place to go on Bainbridge really.  I so want to get better and go for dinner in Silverdale.

I just want to get better.  WITHOUT taking beta blockers!!!  Dr R wants me to take atenolol.  I do NOT want to get into a several year long funk of being terrified of every fucking heartbeat, or constantly checking my pulse.  I just don’t want to go through that ever again.