Archive for May, 2008

Exposure Due – Ferry Trip

Posted on May 25, 2008. Filed under: Exposure |

I have to go across the ferry at least one direction alone.  (I did say “completely alone”, but then took out the adjective.)  Anxiety about this simply thinking about it?  5

I had an anxiety attack that wouldn’t quit, triggered by many things.  It’s affected my courage for exposure at all, really.  I’m hoping it will have been forgotten by tomorrow.

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Wednesday 3.14.08

Posted on May 14, 2008. Filed under: Exposure |

Woot. I loaded the Heart and Stroke Encyclopedia page, and now I have to go look up an “i” word that I can’t remember. Infarction? Can that be spelled right? Let’s go see.

Anxiety Level Prior to Looking Up Infarction: 4

Can’t find it. Although I spelled it properly – and laughed at the word “infarct.” That so wrong.

OH ….. man. I’ve chosen SUDDEN CARDIAC DEATH instead. I couldn’t look at the page while it was loading. 😦

Anxiety Level Prior to Reading SUDDEN CARDIAC DEATH: 5

Good god. I read it. This is what I fear more than anything in the entire world – no joke. Sudden cardiac death. Not a heart attack – which many people live through, but sudden severe fucking you’re going to die in 4 to 6 minutes and it’s going to hurt like a mother almost that entire time until eventual brain death.

I seriously could vomit. I hate this and I don’t want to read it anymore.

Anxiety Level After Reading SUDDEN CARDIAC DEATH: 3, but terribly upset.


“All known heart diseases can lead to cardiac arrest and sudden cardiac death.” I do not have heart disease.

“In 90 percent of adult victims of sudden cardiac death, two or more major coronary arteries are narrowed by fatty buildups. (What about the other 10%???) Scarring from a prior heart attack is found in two-thirds of victims.” I do not have narrowed major coronary arteries. I know this because I’ve had extensive, numerous, and expensive tests on my heart within the past three 1/2 years. There was no indication of anything at all wrong or starting to go wrong. Also, I have not had any prior heart attacks that would have left scarring.

“When sudden death occurs in young adults, other heart abnormalities are more likely causes. Adrenaline released during intense physical or athletic activity often acts as a trigger for sudden death when these abnormalities are present.” I don’t think I qualify as a young adult, but again, I have no heart abnormalities. I also don’t do intense physical or athletic activity that I know of. I mean, my heart gets going hellishly when I’m hauling ass up Marion Street, but it’s my legs that hurt – not my chest. I wonder if that counts as intense??

“Under certain conditions, various heart medications and other drugs — as well as illegal drug abuse — can lead to abnormal heart rhythms that cause sudden death.” I don’t take drugs that would do this and illegal drugs scare me so badly that talking about them makes me nervous.

Sudden cardiac death (also called sudden arrest) is death resulting from an abrupt loss of heart function (cardiac arrest). The victim may or may not have diagnosed heart disease. The time and mode of death are unexpected. It occurs within minutes after symptoms appear. The most common underlying reason for patients to die suddenly from cardiac arrest is coronary heart disease (fatty buildups in the arteries that supply blood to the heart muscle). I don’t know what to say about this paragraph. I suppose I should look for the positive here. “The most common underlying reason….” It’s not something I have. It is NOT something I have and I KNOW THAT, but why can’t I keep that in front of the scary thoughts???

“About 310,000 people a year die of coronary heart disease without being hospitalized or admitted to an emergency room. That’s about half of all deaths from CHD — about 850 Americans each day. Most of these are sudden deaths caused by cardiac arrest.” This makes me sad.

Anxiety After Finishing This Post


Note to Travis: I didn’t enjoy this.

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