That time 2 years ago when I was witness to suicide by police.
Today I was alone for 23 hours and 37 minutes.
My husband’s brother, who has an aggressive dislike for me and is visiting for a few weeks, which makes me uncomfortable because the first time I met him 20 years ago, a few days after my dad died, he was awful to me. He waited until Dave went to sleep and came out to the garage where I’d been smoking, and he yelled at me in front of my half-sister Kathy about not understanding why the hell Dave would call me “Goddess”, and ‘omg you’re such a pig, there’s JAM on the floor in the kitchen!!’ for another, and on and on.
Good times, huh?
That was in early 2001 and it’s late 2019 and nothing in my life has changed from that moment until now, and I don’t see an opportunity for change in the future. My kitchen floor no longer has jam on it, however my entire house is incredibly packratted and dusty and dog furry.
Christopher is currently sleeping in Dave’s office on the floor. I’m still terrified to leave my room even though it’s 4:30 in the morning, because last night when I tried that he was walking around the house so I couldn’t really go out.
Dave, AJ, and Christopher are leaving Friday at noon to go to Spokane to celebrate his mom’s birthday. Must be nice to be able to go and visit family for a birthday. Remember how I haven’t had a birthday celebration in decades? I still have emotional scars, and they’re starting to throb with pain as my birthday approaches once again.
At least Bryan will be home from college studying so I won’t be completely alone, or if I need help there will be someone nearby.
Everyone comes before me, but I’m used to it and don’t put much energy into being bummed about it anymore. What’s the point of that? An example is that after I finally got Dave to listen to what my mother said to me this morning that upset me, he went into his office and wrote a very long email to me about how my family is treating me; not what he’d do about it or what he IS going to do about it (as per usual ; nobody has ever stood up for me.)
I’m out of family now. If anyone was hoping for that to happen, congratulations to you…I am completely alone except for Dave now, and if you have a heart you’ll please allow me to keep him. And maybe get him back, too. Who knows. Maybe it’s not too late.
For now, and the past 2 years, I’ve been in my house and without outside human personal contact. Any questions?
First: Yes, I have a hard time every day and I’m moody now, too. I am looking forward to finding a doctor willing to give me an actual fresh diagnosis so I know what to work on. Unfortunately, only AJ is permitted to see doctors right now because we have shitty insurance, so I’m last, of course, because I look normal but nobody can know what it’s like in my mind and how much control I exert to keep from screaming in frustration and deep despair over lost dreams and waves of panic attacks for 30 years.
Second: I don’t feel like I’m going to make it through this. I don’t know how to live a life spent entirely in the corner of a darkened room – alone. Always.
If you want to know anything about anxiety or panic attacks, just let me know – I have the answer to everything except how to get over crippling all day every day highly elevated anxiety.
I hope so much nobody reading this ever has to know what this feels like.